A very delayed entry that I left in drafts for a while (and a few blurbs from today’s random thoughts)
Not that anyone is going to notice or care, haha, but thought I would update my visual theme of my blog to something with a little more life and professionalism at the same time. The prior theme was very different from most others I have seen, but it was kind of dark and the width was limited making less effective use of the page.
As for other happenings, I wonder what it is like to live in a world of no rational thought or basic logic. Sounds kind of nice to have such a carefree and hear what I want to hear perspective on life.
In addition, I finally did something truly for myself in a while, I call it my 35th b-day present/divorce present for surviving that horrible period in my life and still having to deal with the steady pushing of my limits dealing with it. On the bright side of it, I really look forward to getting it detailed up to where I like to have my cars at. The RX-8 is my first pure and true to the bone, sports car. There is so much to learn about this car, and I have the upgrade itch pretty bad, but first I need to pay off a few things before I go spending money on it. I especially need to sell the ring, just need to get the nerve up to make myself do it so I can wipe out a big chunk of debt. It really serves me no purpose to keep it as the person it was meant for did not care about what it really meant in the big picture.
Anyway, off to the gym for the day to keep pushing forward.
This would be one of those times, a couple of glasses in, feeling empty, abandoned and alone. Can the music save this existence? I am learning the hard way, that when you try to fill a void with many different substitutes, it does not solve the problem. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fill it with work, or with the gym or drinks. I have withstood the tornado twice, and will be totally at peace if I had the chance to walk in to the eye of the storm once more. I know it is foolish and extremely damaging, but I cannot pretend or lie to myself, the moments of heaven on earth, make up for the years of emptiness. Only thing that can fix it is more wine and some sleep and to move towards the next day.
What do you do when power of a great song is pretty much overtaken by the association?
With the back drop of hurricane Irene, the sound track by Above & Beyond, and the haze of whiskey, I find myself not being about to side step this notion of how anyone not blood related can find me so easily expendable. Really trying to understand how people can walk away with such ease and carelessness, it is really starting to become quite common place. Now usually the mind set is when something continues to occur, search for the one constant between instances. Well I am that constant. Now that damn logical thinking has helped and hurt me, and in this case I am not sure if it is doing either, because there has to be some damn reason as to what it is about that constant that is causing these repeated occurrences. I am grateful for Arthur right now, as he is keeping me moving forward, barely. Days when there is something planned or obligated, life is not so bad. Wondering if a plane ride to Alabama might help right now. If there was only a way to stream the mental mess into a blog post, then just edit it from there instead of trying to slow down the flow because it is way faster then even I can type.
Been talking to myself forever, how I wish I knew me better…..
Not sure how to vocalize it, but this morning when I sat down at my desk at work, I had internal voice that said something along the lines of “I just don’t want to do it anymore, I am done.” I have a feeling why I heard that inside. Usually I can easily ignore things like this, but this one does not have that feeling of a passing emotion. The getting up early, living alone in an empty apartment, working for what? And yes, for Arthur, but the moment the thought process expands past him, the motivation really plummets strongly. Seeing him 6 times a month during the week and two weekends, does not at all feel like I am a father to him. The hurt of that does not seem to want to fade away over time, as over a year has passed and there is no decline.
Work and SSA is not really enough to block the freight train of thoughts and hurt. I need to get back on a soccer team or two just to get something else to add to the blockade.
Feeling the urge for a long road trip in no particular direction…….
The message of the music is very important.
Dreams are all but gone, but there is purpose and still some hope that remains. What those are, well they are not worth focusing on at this time.
I am still not sure if I have processed the fact that my son is going to be in Kindergarten in a little over a month. His new hair cut and social skills are evidence. I have many hopes for him and I am not sure how I can protect him from the cloud pain I seem to have been living in for over 20 years. It is one of the things that have kept me here. That that how ever you want to, as I know no one reads this. What needs to happen is I need to work my way towards having a more then one good day in a row.
I am thankful for the the ability to still go to the gym and play ultimate that keeps my mind off of things and helps me have outlets to release what it is that is eating me from the inside out. Come on Amazon, please be the one that takes us over the hump…
Well my initial post got dumped because I clicked tags by accident. Either way, I returned to Opening Day after the worst night of my life last year. Overall, it was a much better day and outcome.
Side note, the PM from my last job is supposed to call this week to find out my availability…
I find it interesting when people are surprised that I have not turned to heavy drinking, or other things that can be compulsive in the dealing with this uber painful process. I admit, there have been a number of times that I felt like I just needed to get hammered on high levels of cheap beer. The urge to get in the car and start driving until I run out of gas is high at times. But the internal drive that I have to keep working and being a half decent father does not allow me to slip.
The combination of not enjoying my day job, dealing with the fact that at 33 I have to move back home, losing my family, losing the ability to see Arthur on a normal basis, moving by myself, the sheer cold both with the heat pump out and the bitter cold at my mothers, losing my wife, losing the function of living in the house that I own, having the entire weight of SSA on my shoulders while Mark is off having fun with his girl not to mention the record worst customers and shipping issues yet, divorce paper work and on and on all just add up to pushing my right to my limit everyday.
Sitting here with The Wall playing on VH1, it is depressing, but it some how speaks to me in terms of it could be worse. On a positive note, I love my laptop despite it’s weight and lack of time I have been able to devote to really making it mine and setting it up for my needs. It is my first new latptop, all were old or hand me downs. I can see myself writing more on here with this machine. It does sort of connect me when I was not connected before.
Forcing myself to go to the gym at lunch has been a good thing, it is helping me keep my balance and focus I think. Plus I really want to get my form back to where I believe it can be.