I am not sure how many signs I need to prove that I am not destined to succeed working for someone else. While at the sametime, success working with someone else is also relative, when it comes to personal satisfaction.
The whole ideal of you get out what you put in, or dedication, effort, and going above and beyond etc. seem to be totally not be connected to the end result or destiny of employment from others. There is now a strange understanding that I unknowingly realized after the life altering month of August 2010, which included a layoff, was that I could no longer give more than what is asked of me, or push really hard, or try to move up and advance in the professional world when being the employee. In a weird round about way, it made this layoff a little less painful. If you enter something with the notion of you are only going to give so much or allow them to take so much, when it is gone, you can see that other than time, you limited the amount given/taken. In other words careless at the beginning means not caring as much at the ending.
I do listen to friends and such that love to pour out advice when I tell them what has happened, again. But, when they have not remotely experienced what I have, it is difficult to take it too seriously. On the other hand, I have built a nice string of friends over time from these many past jobs. What is almost comical is when they just are numb to it as they has seen it or been apart of it with me along the way over this last decade of struggle.
A few weeks ago, before this occurred, something inside of me was needing or wanting to just check out for a little while. Unplug and walk away from this life for a short period, before it ate me alive from the inside out. Stress, work load, deepening of internal unhappiness and lack of sleep can only be ignored for so many years.
I need to find what brings me success and what truly brings a smile to my face, instead of giving my efforts for others to succeed and others to be happy.
‘I will sing, sing a new song. I will sing, sing a new song. How long, to sing this song, how long to sing this song. How long, how long, how long, to sing this song……’