Not sure how to vocalize it, but this morning when I sat down at my desk at work, I had internal voice that said something along the lines of “I just don’t want to do it anymore, I am done.” I have a feeling why I heard that inside. Usually I can easily ignore things like this, but this one does not have that feeling of a passing emotion. The getting up early, living alone in an empty apartment, working for what? And yes, for Arthur, but the moment the thought process expands past him, the motivation really plummets strongly. Seeing him 6 times a month during the week and two weekends, does not at all feel like I am a father to him. The hurt of that does not seem to want to fade away over time, as over a year has passed and there is no decline.
Work and SSA is not really enough to block the freight train of thoughts and hurt. I need to get back on a soccer team or two just to get something else to add to the blockade.
Feeling the urge for a long road trip in no particular direction…….