Expendable…


With the back drop of hurricane Irene, the sound track by Above & Beyond, and the haze of whiskey, I find myself not being about to side step this notion of how anyone not blood related can find me so easily expendable.  Really trying to understand how people can walk away with such ease and carelessness, it is really starting to become quite common place.  Now usually the mind set is when something continues to occur, search for the one constant between instances.  Well I am that constant.  Now that damn logical thinking has helped and hurt me, and in this case I am not sure if it is doing either, because there has to be some damn reason as to what it is about that constant that is causing these repeated occurrences.  I am grateful for Arthur right now, as he is keeping me moving forward, barely.  Days when there is something planned or obligated, life is not so bad.  Wondering if a plane ride to Alabama might help right now.  If there was only a way to stream the mental mess into a blog post, then just edit it from there instead of trying to slow down the flow because it is way faster then even I can type.

Been talking to myself forever, how I wish I knew me better….. 

Rainy Thursdays….


Not sure how to vocalize it, but this morning when I sat down at my desk at work, I had internal voice that said something along the lines of “I just don’t want to do it anymore, I am done.”  I have a feeling why I heard that inside.  Usually I can easily ignore things like this, but this one does not have that feeling of a passing emotion.  The getting up early, living alone in an empty apartment, working for what?  And yes, for Arthur, but the moment the thought process expands past him, the motivation really plummets strongly.  Seeing him 6 times a month during the week and two weekends, does not at all feel like I am a father to him.  The hurt of that does not seem to want to fade away over time, as over a year has passed and there is no decline.

Work and SSA is not really enough to block the freight train of thoughts and hurt.  I need to get back on a soccer team or two just to get something else to add to the blockade.

 

Feeling the urge for a long road trip in no particular direction…….