I find it interesting when people are surprised that I have not turned to heavy drinking, or other things that can be compulsive in the dealing with this uber painful process. I admit, there have been a number of times that I felt like I just needed to get hammered on high levels of cheap beer. The urge to get in the car and start driving until I run out of gas is high at times. But the internal drive that I have to keep working and being a half decent father does not allow me to slip.
The combination of not enjoying my day job, dealing with the fact that at 33 I have to move back home, losing my family, losing the ability to see Arthur on a normal basis, moving by myself, the sheer cold both with the heat pump out and the bitter cold at my mothers, losing my wife, losing the function of living in the house that I own, having the entire weight of SSA on my shoulders while Mark is off having fun with his girl not to mention the record worst customers and shipping issues yet, divorce paper work and on and on all just add up to pushing my right to my limit everyday.
Sitting here with The Wall playing on VH1, it is depressing, but it some how speaks to me in terms of it could be worse. On a positive note, I love my laptop despite it’s weight and lack of time I have been able to devote to really making it mine and setting it up for my needs. It is my first new latptop, all were old or hand me downs. I can see myself writing more on here with this machine. It does sort of connect me when I was not connected before.
Forcing myself to go to the gym at lunch has been a good thing, it is helping me keep my balance and focus I think. Plus I really want to get my form back to where I believe it can be.